I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
You remember correctly you did get a golf cart ride out but it wasnt because you were special. You were so smashed you were screaming tiger at random golfers in the middle of there backswing.
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
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