I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls.
A simple 'no' would have sufficed
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
yeah a little bit of me felt bad about it. But the rest of me was having sex with him.
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
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