just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
So lets not base feelings on vagina tingles
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
