I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
Randomize
