dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
I'm storing dick pics, so basically if I'm still single after residency...ur gonna get bombarded. It's gonna be a blizzard of dicks.
Feel free to keep your blizzard of dicks to yourself.
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
