either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
No instead we fucked in the elevator.. it was wrong on so many levels..
How tall was the building? Maybe it was only wrong on some of them
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
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