Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
i think we sleep fucked last night...
Randomize
