Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
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