if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
If his smile makes you freak out and drop things imagine what his penis could do
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
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