Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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