Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Randomize
