I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
I cant even remember his name or what he looked like. all I remember is what the tattoo on his forearm looked like.
well, he kindof looked like a walmart greeter. I tried to stop you
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
Lol i have proven this trip that I can meet a chick and fuck her within 72 hours no matter where she lives
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
Randomize
