I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
just prayed to lady gaga in hopes it will help me pass my fashion merchandising final...what is my life?
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
