If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
Please don't use social media to get back at me.
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
i ditched last period to have sex with him. i had to change into my skank clothes in the church parking lot. little kids were on the swings.
nothing about this is right.
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
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