I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
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