You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
i need to put some appletini on your dick
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
Randomize
