when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
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