Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
Houston, we have a blender
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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