i'm at sigma nu and gary is here. what do it do?
Stay away from his face.
so i go for his dick?
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
Randomize
