Ha. Yes. I'm at a strip club. I'm the barack obama of strip clubs
i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
New pre-game routine....wal-mart bathrooms...quality beers for free...hallelujah
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
Randomize
