remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
