Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
Just got done reading an 11 page essay for class. Took me three fucking days and the only thing I have highlighted is the name "Alexander Cockburn"
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Randomize
