Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
I think she kind of thinks she's better than us now ... please. I go to Michigan.
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
It's official drugs can't kill me
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
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