the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
i can smell the iron from margo's period blood from across the table.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
any advancement on the stomach flu vs. pregnancy scare of '10?
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
Randomize