I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
