my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
Last night dinner was cinnamon buns and whiskey. At least tonight I had a fajita with my cookies and tequila. I may be a little stressed about these end of semester tests.
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
Randomize
