I didn't shave. On purpose
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
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