He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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