I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
Come home. Power Hour by yourself is only fun for the first 10 minutes.
fuck your aforementioned shoe
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
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