Now that I've come to graduate college. I realized the only discernible skill I learned was how to roll a joint properly. go me.
Well thats $24,000 well spent.
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
