ashley and jimmy are about to have sex on degrassi.... EVERYONES GETTING LAID BUT ME
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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