Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
My vagina is officially offended.
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
