Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
I think I'd be more bothered by his cross dressing if I wasn't secretly into women..,
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
