My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
i would one night stand the shit outta him
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
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