New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
I started drinking at around 8.. Started heavily drinking around 815.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
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