I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
I changed my mind about Tim Gunn. I like him now. Mostly because he said someone's dress looks like a gay t-rex. Or something.
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
