Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
I must say your penis is just as photogenic as you
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
Randomize
