Aj just asked if we were going to the bulldog tonight..i told her no because of the expense and tests coming up..but mostly because i don't want herpes
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
I told him he had to put his dick inside of me at approx 1159 to ensure it was birthday sex. i was 19 when he entered me.. came out 20. winning.
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
