I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
I guess you could say that.. I mean, we did walk in on our DD doing a keg stand thru her ass.
Randomize
