Jake was my 1st thought but I seriously thought u already did him... & then there's the getting the clap story... so I settled on Ben for my guess.
I have done Jake, not Ben. But this was fresh meat. And P.S. it was ghonnerea.
Ahh, yes. It's apparently too early in the morning to keep your partners and their std's straight.
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
Randomize
