I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
she pinky promised me she was 18
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
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