there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
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