New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
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