Last night we were drunk and talking about rude things, I mentioned felching and had to explain it to everyone. Everyone was disgusted and asked how I knew about such filth and I told them you told me. Don't get mad. Also a quck heads up, you might get gifts of straws at work,
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
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