I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
I'm pregaming with America's Best Dance Crew.
Do a shot everytime Lil' Mama mispronounces a word.
so i told him i still liked him. he laughed
well, your crazy. what did you expect?
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
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