He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
