why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
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