The maid of honor just puked.
ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
if you call bong hits and onion rings a party, then yeah
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
Randomize