just to let you know I saw you texting some Kim chick, and facebook saying she's ugly... good job you're gay now
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
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