According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
We're too lazy too send a pic of out balls. Just assume this is a pic of our balls and respond accordingly.
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
I last recall trying to play piano and asking justin for drugs. I would like to think I then gracefully laid down on the couch and shut my eyes like a sleeping kitten.
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
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