Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
Randomize
