Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
Randomize
