just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
Good news. His dicks gotten wayy bigger since high school. I love Thanksgiving break.
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
