Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
Would love to dress up in respectable attire and take you out somewhere nice and then do disgusting crude things in public
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
Randomize
