I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
Randomize
