I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
okay I'm thinking he doens't have a facebook...I'm on page 28 of Hunters
ok you need to stop NOW
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
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