Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
you told grandpa to call you daddy
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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