I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
I feel that shower jager is exactly what this man needs after last night.
You're a disgrace to gay men everywhere.
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
As long as it's more "this is where i see an issue" vs "psst.... tiddies" then i have no argument
Randomize