If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
We smoked bowls and watched Cops for what seemed like hours. And yet I know I'll go back.
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
Randomize
